Happiness then home
Navigating the cult of home ownership
The way my life is set up right now, I can go days feeling swollen with happiness, rich in time and friendship and freedom and not that bothered by my less-than-impressive bank account. I write for money and my colleagues are dreamy. I can go to an exhibition on a Thursday without anyone asking where I was. Go to coffee with a friend without rushing back to my desk. I can read in the garden and take my time making lunch and spend every other Wednesday writing this old thing. But this nice little bubble I’m in can pop sometimes.
At the end of last week, I could tell that Andy was a bit down in the dumps, so on Friday evening we talked about why. Since before we got together, he’s wanted to buy a house. It’s a desire that runs so deep that at times he gets into a bit of a downward spiral about it, thinking he’s behind, that he hasn’t achieved anything, and that he’s pretty much a failure. It’s the kind of desire that is so overwhelming that I feel like it sometimes blinds him to the rest of our (very amazing and wonderful) life together.
Don’t get me wrong, I would also love to own a house. As I say in a previous newsletter, I dream about it often. But I’m also not blind to the downsides and, as a generally unsceptical person, I’m extremely sceptical of our collective motivations for it. I think in many people’s heads, home ownership is a milestone synonymous with having your shit together. It’s a pathway to long-term security, a place to raise a family and a space where no one but you can choose the colour of the walls.
It sounds like freedom at first, but once you’ve crossed the finish line of mortgage applications and secured a loan, you’re on to the next unrelenting race to keep up with the costs of being a landlord. Yes, you can pick out the tiles for your flash new bathroom, but when the boiler breaks or there’s water dripping through your light sockets or a family of possums moves into the attic, that’s also on you babes. An email from our landlady this morning letting us know that our rent is going up because her mortgage rates have “significantly increased” is just as much a reason to get out of an unfair rental market as it is a warning against the perils of property ownership.
As Jason Okundaye says in an article for the Guardian, “To many, not viewing your youth as a slow march towards the housing ladder seems to betray a lack of aspiration.” But is this something we all genuinely want? Or are we sold the idea of wanting it by a society that needs us chained to our desks? Chains that don’t actually disappear when the sale goes through but grow ever stronger with the vice grip of maintenance and repayments.
Not to mention the inaccessibility of it all. There’s the ‘financial situation’, for one, which I feel ill-equipped to say any more about. But on top of that, the vast majority of people buying houses at our age are doing so with the very generous help of family. Of course, there are exceptions, but it’s important to remember that most people aren’t doing this solely off their own backs.
I think what I am trying to do here is understand my own feelings about diving into a commitment I’m not currently equipped for whilst also wanting the person I love to know that his goals are important to me. So important, in fact, that despite the cultishness of it all, if I land myself a job that will help us get a mortgage, I’ll wave goodbye to my nice little freelance life and bloody well take it.
One thing I want clearly understood though is that long-lasting happiness doesn’t come from reaching these kinds of arbitrary goals. You can buy as many houses as you like, but if you’re not already happy with your life then you’re doomed to slip back to your base levels of contentment. Of course, there is joy to be found in creating a home all of your own, and the long-term benefits will probably (hopefully) outweigh the challenges that seem to punctuate the experience. But I really think that satisfaction with one’s life, independent of home ownership (or anything ownership for that matter) needs to come first.
Looking at things realistically, home ownership for us is probably still a few years away. It would be silly to buy with rates and prices as they are, and anyway, I haven’t got any money. So in the meantime, let’s swim up out of these murky waters and try to get back to that beautiful life I was swanning around in at the beginning. One where we’re just happy to be here. Happy to have time and friends and nice food on the table. Because you can have the best house in the world but we all know that that’s not what makes the best life.
See you in the next one,
Annabel
I’d love to get your thoughts about our collective attitudes towards home ownership.
Home owners — what is your experience?
People looking to buy — how are you feeling about the whole thing?
And those who aren’t interested in buying at all — I’d love your perspective.
Let me know in the comments or by replying directly to this email.
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